I first saw you at the video exchange

August 26, 2009

Dear World,

I have a lot on my mind… I think this is the perfect place to get it all out.  After all, this has been my source of ventation (yes I just made this word up) for the past, oh, eleven months give or take a few days.

First, as of Friday a handful of my closets friends are leaving for college.  We have been ‘the clique (though I hate that term and prefer ‘sisterhood’) for a long time now.  As horrible as this sounds, and I really shouldn’t be saying this, I am really only going to miss one of them terribly.  She has been like my big sister since I was born, originating as my next door neighbor before she moved ten minutes away.  As sad and inevitable as it is, I have grown apart from the rest of them this summer.  They either are preoccupied with work, a boyfriend or are hanging on to the hope that their ‘love’ will visit her in college, though he doesn’t actually exist in the real world… ahem.  However, it is important to note that the one girl that I am going to deeply miss (and her sister my best friend who is a year younger than I) are still as strong as ever, and saying goodbye is not going to be easy.  We are having a goodbye breakfast Thursday morning, and it will be interesting to see if anyone us hold it together.

That’s one thing off my chest…

Ok, so here goes the next part.  First off, the things that I write in this blog are seen my few and known my even fewer.  No one I know in real life knows about this blog, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will remain that way (you always take a chance with the internet).  So, romantically, I am hopeless and I have come to terms with this a long time ago.  In fact, when I was a freshman I ‘declared my independence’ and have ever since been clear of boyfriends or anything of the sort.  However, and this is going to sound pathetic, I have had a ‘crush’ on the same guy for a year and a half.  I use the term ‘crush’ loosely because he has yet to do that to me.  Though, I suppose this would be impossible considering we haven’t spoken more to each other than a simple ‘thank you’ on my part when held the door open for me.  This sounds sad right?  It’s really hard to explain, but I know he sees something in me.  I know what you’re asking, “Oh and how would you know this if you haven’t even said two, well three words to the guy?”.  I’ll tell you.  It’s all about the eye contact.  Don’t laugh!  I swear!  We always make eye contact and it’s more than the two second passing by eye contact.  It’s a ‘held for at least four seconds, a smile/smirk/adorable grin and then a shy looking down movement (this is all on his part).  Mine is sort of the same mouth action with more of a swoon/blush and then a shy look towards one of my friends as if I am so enthralled in our conversation.  ANYWAY, there is another girl that likes him.  She is exactly like me.  Ok, that’s impossible, but she’s smart, a great student, wants to be a neuroscientist… UM THE COMPARISON IS FOR THE MOST PART UNCANNY!  Here’s the deal, I have received information from her best friend, and a close friend of mine that she has liked him since the seventh grade and will do ANYTHING to get him.  My thinking?  Well, he has had four years to make a move on her and hasn’t so I have hope right?  As horrible as this sounds, it is what goes through my head.  Another dilemma?  They are both juniors, I am a senior, and therefor have one more year at this school and then it is off to venture into the world that I am no doubt going to travel, explore and see regardless of who I am with or where I go.

That felt good.  My best friend got to hear all of this last night, and I suppose getting it all down on virtual paper just sets my heart’s words in stone.  This is dangerous for me.  I don’t let the secrets of my heart open.  I am very much an independent person who laughs at teenagers ‘in love’.  No all this mocking is back to haunt me.  No, I am not in love!  I’m just saying…



P.S.  This guy is athletic, shy, tall, dark and handsome.  Think Jake Gyllenhaal.  SWOON.


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